Action Flick Chick

Posted By Action Flick Chick on May 1, 2009

Hello, Action Flick Chick here. Would you like to see a movie where the plot doesn’t matter and is filled with non-stop action and boobs? Well, now you can! For a limited time only you can see Crank: High Voltage in theatres. But wait… that’s not all, folks! Crank (the first one) is not a requirement because Crank 2 has enough flashbacks to keep you in the loop. AND it even throws in some psychedelic scenes to make you feel like you’re high…or crazy…or both at the same time. What more could you ask for? So don’t wait! Act now, the offer ends soon!

If you thought Crank was out of control…you were right. You would never think they could top the craziness that is Crank. Well, that’s where you’re wrong. Crank: High Voltage is out of this world crazy. It is filled with more kills, more boobs, and more outrageous, implausible plot. AND I LOVED IT! Really, if you like a movie that has a deeper message and meaningful plot, then see this flick anyway and learn to appreciate the madness. Just be aware that Crank 2 does follow the same pattern as the first one, just bigger and better, so there are no plot surprises. Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is such a badass. He doesn’t even try to make nice to people around him. When he walks through a crowd, he just pushes through the people instead of walking around them. Then he looks at them like they were the rude ones. He also takes down a guy with one swift chop to the throat. Awesome!

SPOILER ALERT: Efren Ramirez returns to Crank 2. WTF? “How is that possible?” You might ask. I know because that’s what I said when I saw him, but it makes sense in the end (enough sense for Crank anyway). Even Chester Bennington (Linkin Park) reappears for this one. Now that I think about it, it has A LOT of the returning cast. Even minor roles (see best kill). Oh and David Carradine makes an appearance. ‘Cause that guy’s in any flick where people’re getting their butts kicked. Of course, they couldn’t leave out the.. ahem… ‘public display of affection’ between Amy Smart and Jason Statham. That was one of the main attractions to the first one. The sex scene in Crank 2 is one that I can totally get behind. It’s better and lasts a lot longer. That’s what she said! (Yes, I just went there.) Bottom line: Go see this movie. Don’t go with anyone you’d be embarrassed to watch a porno with though. It’s crazy, it’s fun, it’s full of action. Like a porno, the plot doesn’t matter in films like this. I am very interested to see a third one…even though I have no idea how they can top this one.

Time until initial action starts: ~ 15 seconds

Time until the real action starts: ~ 4 minutes

Baddies: Anyone saying “F U Chelios,” which is pretty much everyone.

Best Line: “Is Doc Miles gonna have to choke a b****.”

Best Kill: There’s a hospital worker from the first Crank that was held at gunpoint by Chelios. He makes an appearance in this one as well. He is sitting in a therapist’s office getting counseled because he was so traumatized by his first run in with Chelios. He finally starts to feel better. He stands up and says things like he is ready to take on the world and get his life back, when suddenly he gets shot in the head. His brains splatter everywhere and the therapist throws up all over the place. Meanwhile, back in Chelios land. He was fighting a guy and a bullet went astray. It freakin’ ricocheted off of a light post and then a mail box and then through the window and hit this guy in the head.

Best Explosion: Chelios climbs up an electric pole to charge himself. Only this time the electricity blows him off the pole and you just see a little ball of fire go flying across the sky. This is the closest thing to an explosion in the whole movie.

Action Rating: 5 cracked out Statham’s shoving shotguns up a guy’s booty, out of 5 *A special treat from Jason Statham awaits anyone who watches Crank 2. Illustration by Alex Langley. Rocket Llama World Headquarters.

Categories: * all movie reviews *, 5 kabooms, R-rated, action, movie
Tags: action films, Adrenaline: High Voltage, Amy Smart, ason Statham, Bai Ling, bloody violence, boobs, breasts, Brian Taylor, butts, Chester Bennington, Chev Chelios, Clifton Collins Jr, Crank 2, Crank: High Voltage, David Carradine, Dwight Yoakam, Efren Ramirez, graphic sexual content, High Voltage, Jason Statham, Lionsgate, Mark Neveldine, Nudity, Partial Nudity, pervasive language, R-rated, Sex Scene